SOLSTICE BODYLOVE - emergings & reflections on body, food, dance, hunger, shadow.
The shortest day of the year, the return of the sun.
Winter bleeding a day early.
Since September the city rhythm jars with my flesh. Everything wants to s l o w d o w n. Meet the carpet. Meet yourself. Meet the space between movements, between breaths, between conversations. Feel the discomfort. The whispers of life want to be heard, and she squishes up close to my face, when I let her. Openings.
There is also a waiting. A slowness. I feel lost parts of myself emerging from deep bone space, forgotten and haunted, asking for love. They've been living at the bottom of the ocean and when I'm down there with them it's like the breath has gone somewhere else. Greeting them and allowing others to greet them hurts but I know they've come to gift me with something too. It's back and forth.
I dance with them, ask them what they need. Things move through and bloom and open and close and return and up and down up and down chaos chaos chaos beautiful messy chaos. My body says let me love you. Learning the non-linearity of it. No cure, just entering deeper. How to rest there?
Last winter solstice I danced at the stones with my Dad and this year I did too. I notice how that dance has grown died and changed. A plant weaving together different threads of my life. It's slowed down recently. It's been scary, that imagination emptiness. I fight for creativity. Something cooking, something cooking. No pushing, can't push it. The city grinds at my heels and sometimes I wobble. I come back to the softness of my belly in different houses and my body tells me thank you.
Belonging, unbelonging. How to belong to myself. How to call myself back when I can feel the winter happening on the inside. How to emerge and connect through that immense darkness that surely is too ugly to show. Surprises. Trusting people again. Loving it potently, that part that believes its separate. Or trying to!
My eating has been swinging all over the place. Shame tries to lock itself around this. I'm hungry for some kind of answer, what has this got to do with dancing? I thought I had wrapped this food stuff up a long time ago. But when the earth moves from under my feet, there it goes again. Cursing my body. Ritualizing mealtimes / the whole day becoming a mealtime. Hiding this because it feels weak. Feels like I should know better. Feel like people can see this gremlin part of me. Especially now with no hair (my thoughts are naked). And then seeing, wait, she's telling me something. That control/out-of-control one. She's telling me love those quiet bits of me, get them a voice. Let me be messy and out of control and learn to forgive. Hear and listen and dance with. Share it and see who speaks up too. And many people do speak up. The nudges are there. Enter into it.
The body my portal into nowness, into the thick messy earthy pain of being. How about instead of soothing or smoothing it over all the time we just entered deeper, lay there, inside the night sky, cocooned? Something about anchoring or hunting down locating the exact pain. Openings. Really feeling it CLEAR and dancing into it, wearing it inside out.
Bodylove. Recalibrating my relationship with Self in the physical. Each sensation a message encoded in movement to be felt and learned with, not sent away or picked apart analysed but experientially granted a grounding in space. All those parts of us just want a moment. A whole body listening a whole body loving. Whether it soothes or not is kind of irrelevant because it's the building of practice that matters. The attentiveness, the coming back to it. The feeling of whatever the fuck is happening, just allowing that! Deep body listening deep body moving deep body communication. Maybe there's a story or maybe not. A practice which now holds the standard for the kinds of relationship I also want with others.
Swimming in the wintery dark of my own body. Shadow body. Acknowledging the parts of myself in complete resistance to feeling what is there, let alone sharing it. How to give it space? Cut myself off. Pull myself back in. Keep on keeping on. Messily, hungrily, cosying up into the nooks and crannies of Life herself. Choosing love. Forgetting. Choosing love again. All a practice, all non-linear, but remembering with my body, my body remembering for me, anchoring love for the holey parts of self ravishingly incomplete. Eating Life and discovering, asking, what is it that actually nourishes me? How do I choose nourishment for myself? What supports me? Witnessing all the different characters through my sensation.
Questions emerge. What's on the other side of all those people? Those stories? Presence. Face presence spine presence belly presence. Let life do you. Receive you. Receive yourself, now.
I feel something coming through about this connection between a deep embodied painful hunger for life, relationship with food & flesh, intimacy with Self & others, standing in the storm of it all and just allowing it to scream, dance, honouring it exactly as it is, pure nature. In stillness & movement, in dialogue verbal & otherwise. Seeing myself and being seen. Emerging emerging. Food and relationships. How do patterns with food mirror our patterns with people? Pleasure, sensuality, control. How much of life do we want to eat, taste. How much of life do we want to gobble down, numb, avoid. How can integrating a deep bone love inside the body seek not to cure or heal us but to provide something different to lean into when we feel full, empty, whatever... To allow us to experience MORE life, more feeling, however it comes. How does witnessing each other in this help to unlock the shame and stigma around something that I know effects so many people's day-to-day. A control or out-of-control so often masked. Something so integral to our being. I feel an opening in this. Not because I have an answer but because it feels like a question.
A question worth sharing and exploring with others, especially with other women, because it is part of a system of feeling ourselves from the outside so deeply ingrained into our flesh that it is sometimes hard to see. Or difficult to acknowledge because I feel I "should" know better by now...! A question worth sharing because it is connected with a relationship most of us establish three times a day. A question worth sharing and exploring because it has so much to do with the worth we assign ourselves, with the kind of nourishment we are able to offer ourselves, the kind we are able to receive from others and from life, with the words we speak to ourselves, the feelings we reject or accept, the edges and undergrowth of our being. Our wilderness. Control. PRESENCE. The trust we have for ourselves. The sense of safety inside our own bodies. Our hunger for life, connection, god. Deep belly presence.